Character Study No. 2 - Ma Chérie

Character Studies are short stories, part of a larger novel series I’m writing.  Each one is a postcard-sized piece of world-building.  A person caught in a quiet, strange, or aching moment.

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Ma Chérie

“Summer always fades halfway through the party.”

“Would you like to leave?” I asked kindly. 

She shook her head no. Which is good, I didn’t want to either.

I was uncomfortable on the cliff edge we were sitting on. We had been here a while, but I was soothed by her presence.

The lake in front of us shimmered in the dimming sunlight, framed by the kinetic branches of pines above. Along the rocky shores a long train of dancers stepped to the rhythm of their chanting voices.  Drums, rattles, and mouth harps droned steadily under the much louder voices.  From our distance across the valley the music at times was ambient, like the insects of the grasses, or the birds in the trees.  I went in and out of remembering they were there.

I placed my hand on the rough stone of the ledge, making sure to overlap my fingers on top of hers ever so slightly.

“I love the valley in this light,” I said.

“The sun is beautiful,” she replied, tilting her head back in the warm glow.  Her brown hair rippled in the light, like the surface of the lake. 

The snow on the mountains was now the same dusty yellow as the rocks, it wouldn’t be long, and this moment would be ending. 

The men and women around the lake continued their work, picking up their feet, twisting their bodies up and down, some screeching above the melody.  The drums continued even when the voices stopped. 

“I thought summer was intended to last like this forever,” I said, breaking some short silence. 

She laughed a little, and moved her body in a way that suggested to me she was about to move closer, maybe lean her shoulder into mine.  I would have moved my arm around her, maybe kiss the top of her head. 

“If this lasted forever, you wouldn’t be here enjoying it now,” she said. 

I picked up my hand to scratch my jaw.  “They certainly last forever,” I said with half a smile and pointed toward the dancers below.  She gave me that whispered look, her smile glowing in the amber light.

I knew she loved when I said things like that. 

“And when was the last time you enjoyed them?” She said, referring to the dancers.

Fair enough, I thought.  The wind picked up in our direction, carrying the voices over us.  Each rhythmic beat now surged upward, and seemed to lock into the pulse of my chest.  But soon it faded as the wind moved. 

The lake still glimmered in what was left of the sun. 

“I can’t handle how you’re looking at me,” I said to her.

“How I’m looking at you, how?” she playfully belted. 

“You look like you want to come closer but you aren’t,” I tried to match her energy, but I instantly knew there was a real frustration pulling in. “It’s driving me insane.”

Her face dimmed. “I’m comfortable,” she said flatly. 

Fuck, I thought. I started to feel hot.  Tears were welling up in my eyes, something I hadn’t felt in years. 

“Actually I am cold,” she finally said. 

“Can I give you my shirt?” I offered. 

“Yeah, I would appreciate that.” She took my shirt as I was taking it off, still warm from my body.  Putting her arms through the sleeves and without buttoning it, she pulled it tight around her torso and folded her arms. She sighed. 

“I want to sing like them someday.” She started.  “Their whole life is now song. Maybe one day they simply decided they were willing to join the path, or maybe that’s where their lives were always headed. I don’t know. What’s in someone that they just put all else behind them and focus on something bigger than them.”

The singer’s voices picked up again.  Their whole life isn’t truly song, I thought.  After stepping on the path, they would walk through the chain of mountains for the rest of their lives.  Today marked some important moment, I think at some point I knew which one it was.  The nights were getting colder again, maybe that had to do with it.  Or maybe they chanted to pray away the ending of the world. 

She sighed and continued. “I wanted to have something truly special to call my life…” Her voice sort of drifted off.  I knew it was one of her comments she just muttered out of her heart. 

“I think that’s a lot of pressure, especially now…” I couldn’t finish, my voice almost cracked. I didn’t want to be emotional, not this evening. 

“No, I’m done with the pressure.” She said, almost completely at ease again. “I think I’m going to find it.”

“Find what? Something special?” I questioned aggressively. I could never imagine her joining the path and I couldn’t think what else she was getting at.  It was a year since I’d seen her before today.  

Fuck, I thought to myself again. “Where are we going from here?” I burst out, before she could say what she was thinking

She paused.  I suddenly heard the singers again, the drumming, the shaking, and the howling.  I glanced my eyes away from her to look at the singers.  They were dancing together in one direction, and then on a certain cadence would turn and dance the other way.  Their knees were brought high off the ground, and those with free arms had them outstretched wide, in parallel with the ground.  I couldn’t take my eyes off of them now. 

“I don’t know where we’re going from here, Theo.  But, I’m not going back.  I’m not strong enough to walk through that again. I’m not going to say anything more.” She said this with such matter-of-factness that I turned back to look at her.  Her brown eyes were maybe glossy, I couldn’t tell. 

I started biting the skin on my lower lip. She put her hand on top of mine and leaned in closer.  In a hushed voice she said tenderly, “You need to figure this out.”

Based on my lack of response, she continued, “I will stay here as long as we need to. As long as you want me to.”

“I don’t want there to be any leaving.”  My voice was picking up as I went on. “We have so much life left Emma. So much of it.  All day you’ve acted like we can’t have more.  And now you’re going on about some greater purpose you’re suddenly trying to find.”

“Theo there’s nothing wrong with more meaning,” she shot back.

“No, yeah. I want that too.”  Fuck…

She pulled her legs off the edge of the cliff and sat up on her knees as she quickly wrapped her arms around me.  Have I ever cried like this before? I was having trouble keeping myself from gasping for air, like I was coming up from deep underwater.  It was getting so dark.  How close was I to the edge?  What was I doing up here?

The damn singers flooded into my head again. This time there weren’t any drums or bells.  No screaming, just a singular song in unison. 

“We want the same thing Theo, but I’m not sure it looks the same for either of us.” 

“I can’t do this without you.” I bellowed. 

“I don’t want to do this without you either,” she responded through some tears. 

“I really would have enjoyed us as a family,” I barely got out through the heaving. 

“I know. Me too.”  She rubbed my back, her tone was settled.

The night was pushing into the air, like a blanket resting down on the bed.  The music again drifted in and out in volume, but was now mixed with the night sounds of the valley.  The bush crickets added to their tune.  

“I’m not going to leave,” she said as she clasped my face.  She made sure to look into my eyes. “We will always continue to come back here.”

I grabbed her face in my hands as well and reached my lips to give her a quick kiss. Then, drawing away from her, I pulled my legs up from the cliff's edge.  I coughed a little bit as I scooted backwards to lay down flat on the stone. 

It was warm from the day’s sun and oddly more comfortable than how I had been sitting for hours. I continued to cry.  My face contorted and my chest heaved rapidly, so I placed my arm over my face.  I don’t know if I was loud or if only the two of us could hear me sobbing.

Emma moved gently over to lay next to me.  She placed her head on my chest along with her hand which carried a familiar wooden object. She breathed loudly and deliberately in steady beats. 

I finally could breathe and I was finally able to place my arm around her.  She sank into me. I kissed the top of her head.  Slowly I caressed her hand and the little figure she held against me. Its curves worn smooth and its carved lines feeling like they never left my hand.

I stopped crying, but my chest continued to spasm.  Could I see my breath?

The stars were bright and the melody of the singers continued on for a long time. 

“You’re the moon.” 

I knew she loved when I said things like that.